That 1870s show

The well-dressed sod-buster

 Inever read any of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s “Little House” books, nor did I ever make it through any single episode of the hit ’70s TV show. But that doesn’t mean I can’t shit-post about Netflix’s plan to reboot the series. 

On the plus side, Netflix has nowhere to go but up. The original was an overlit schmaltz-fest that didn’t tug at the heartstrings so much as percuss them like Django Reinhardt. It wasted no opportunity to impart some simplistic and saccharine lesson. It was supremely inauthentic. For a gritty, realistic portrayal of family life on the frontier, it’s right up there with “The Brady Bunch,” which ended the same year “Little House” started.

At least half of the budget appears to have been spent on Michael Landon’s hair and wardrobe. The pioneer life was one of constant toil, but the TV Chuck Ingalls was always freshly shaven and decked out in pressed business-casual shirts with coordinating suspenders.

Did he need the suspenders? No, because his pants were always fresh from the laundry and way too snug to allow any slippage past butt-crack level. Those braces were strictly a fashion statement.

As was the hair. Examine old photos of 1870s homestead families and you will see nobody sporting the leonine blowout favored by Mr. Landon. In a real prairie household, his shampoo and conditioner alone would have required about a third of the family’s sod-busting income. That’s if you could even find Pantene out there in Osage country. 

Irealize I’m in the minority here. Last year, viewings of old “Little House” episodes rivaled those of any new original series. Pretty sure Netflix won’t want to tinker with the formula too much and risk alienating that coveted 35-64 demographic. Nevertheless, I’ll offer a few notes:

• Cast Jack Black as the family patriarch. The man’s face was made for a certain amount of stubble and his agile eyebrows are perfect for registering just that teeny bit of “can you believe this shit?” when it’s time for each life lesson du jour. 
• Lisa Kudrow as Ma. ’Nuff said. Well, more could be said but I just like the arch and world-weary aspect she’s brought to her most recent roles (“No Good Deed” and “Time Bandits”).  
• Jenna Ortega as young Laura. Or maybe not. I notice that Jenna is 22 now, so maybe too old. But she’s definitely got that take-no-shit demeanor Melissa Gilbert could never quite pull off. Not that she tried.
• Maybe come up with a couple of catchphrases, like “Whatchu you talkin’ ’bout?” or “Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?” to lighten the mood when somebody’s dying of tuberculosis.