Dave's Fiction Warehouse

David emerging from the shower N ot cool, Michelangelo. Sculpting that schlong onto your statue of David? Not cool at all. Yeah, you got away with it for more than 520 years, probably chortling all the while. But now, boy, you’re in the Free State of Florida.   In this bastion of liberty, parents adhere to a strict no-johnson policy when it comes to Renaissance masterpieces. When the principal of the Tallahassee Classical School let your creepy statue be included in an art lesson – bam! She was out on her liberal ass. See what happens? You might be a hell of a sculptor, Mike, but that don’t mean diddly in DeSantisland. Don’t take it personally though. All sorts of degenerates are under the gun here: shady folks like Judy Blume, Toni Morrison, James Patterson. Basically anyone with the cojones to write about the various permutations of human sexuality. Sculpting an actual wang is way too woke. What were you thinking? I mean, even The Simpsons saw this coming 30 years ago. Why c...

At least the alligators are sincere A fter 13 years, we’ve decided to quit Florida. I don’t expect to miss it much.   I’ve realized I’m not a beach guy. I’m not a Jimmy Buffett guy. I hate theme parks and I hate I-95 and I’m not fond of the year-round bugs and humidity. I’ve never gotten used to the sodden air and sulfurous water. I will miss the alligators, but I won’t miss Florida Man – especially as personified by the overstuffed figures of Ron DeSantis and Donald Trump.  I know what you’re thinking: It took you 13 years to figure all that out?  Well, it hasn’t been all bad. The weather’s nice in February and March.  You can get fresh produce year-round. There’s no state income tax. We live in a neighborhood that’s pretty walkable and, in many important respects, nothing like The Fucking Villages.  We’re convenient to a somewhat moribund downtown. For local color, we boast a fair number of thieves, idlers, beggars and loons.  We’ve stayed this long ...

I ’ve talked about George Saunders here before. Love his work.  Having just finished his latest collection of short stories, “Liberation Day,” I don’t love it any less.  Like most story collections, many of these have appeared earlier in various places. My favorite of the bunch, “A Mom of Bold Action,” first ran in the New Yorker in August 2021. It’s about a suburban mom (duh) who aspires to be a writer of inspirational children’s books. While she’s daydreaming one corny idea after another, she discovers that her son has wandered off. The son soon returns with a scratch on his face – some transient has pushed him into a bush, for no particular reason. The mom’s thoughts turn quickly from fuzzy optimism to deadly retribution.  It doesn’t sound very funny, but it is. And, like all the stories in this collection, seems drawn from this never-ending age of Trumpism. You know: the corrupted capitalism, the deepening enmity between red and blue, the shameless cruelty toward the ...

I ’m always conflicted before starting a Cormac McCarthy book. Although he’s one of America’s best writers, his world view tends toward bleakness and nihilism – to an extent that can be off-putting even for a natural-born pessimist like myself. Let’s just say his books have never left me whistling the theme from “Andy Griffith.” Still, most of them are redeemed by the wisdom, wit and elegance of his prose. For a nihilist, he’s damned careful with his words. I tend to highlight a lot of passages in a McCarthy book. Sometimes, as in “No Country For Old Men,” he’s also pretty good at suspense. “The Passenger” is nominally about a salvage diver coming across a sunken plane, apparently undamaged and seven passengers still strapped inside. Some of the plane’s avionics have been removed. Unlike “No Country For Old Men,” there’s no big bag of money – but the diver soon comes to realize that one passenger is missing and someone did not want this plane found. That’s the narrative hook. Good thin...

B ecause everything else in the news is pissing me off, I’ll post these drive-by reviews of some shows I’ve been streaming lately:  “Smile” (Amazon Prime). I love a good horror movie. The key word being “good.” “Smile” is not good. It is actually quite bad, but just short of bad enough to be enjoyed as a hate watch.  Take every horror film made in the last 30 years, extract all the tropes, stir them together vigorously, and you have a movie like “Smile.” I would list a few amusing examples, but they would all amount to spoilers. Maybe that doesn’t matter, since every little twist and jump scare can be seen miles in advance. Ditto with the ending. I suspect ChatGPT had a hand in the screenplay. It’s that predictable. Dave Bob says keep moving. Nothing to see here, except Kevin Bacon’s daughter Sosie trying her best to turn shit into gold.  “Dear Edward.” (Apple +) Who’s ready for some grief! I mean a big barrel o’ grief, since every character has recently lost a loved on...

DeSantis talks; a Florida man looks on R on DeSantis aspires to be Trump 2.0. To the extent that he’s another belligerent, overfed blowhard in an ill-fitting suit, he’s definitely got a shot.  All he lacks now is widespread MAGA support: He’s still polling 30 points behind the former president among GOP voters. That’s because those voters, being stupid, have not yet discerned that Trump’s star is fading faster than a Wal-Mart T-shirt. According to this Emerson College poll, a large majority of those who still favor Trump are folks who didn’t, or just barely did, get through high school. Big surprise. But that’s not necessarily a deal-breaker for Wreck-It Ron. One thing about stupid voters is that they are easily influenced. Unlike Trump, DeSantis won his election, and thus is in a position to prosecute the GOP’s culture wars to the delight of the mouth-breathing base. Between now and primary season, DeSantis can further burnish his credentials as a cruel nemesis of immigrants, gay ...