Dave's Fiction Warehouse

Mr. and Mrs. Yours Truly, earlier in the pandemic. T o the best of my knowledge, I still haven’t gotten Covid. I would like to thank my superhuman immune system, my strict adherence to scientific protocols, and a social circle that could fit comfortably in a Mazda Miata. Oh, and the Academy. Just kidding. At this point it’s all down to luck. Nearly everyone I care about has had at least one case of Covid. Most took the pandemic seriously for the first couple of years, but then, like me, quietly and gradually said to hell with it. Now it seems that despite all the masks and vaccinations and social distancing, it’s less a question of if you get infected, but when. Turns out you can’t put out a fire if half the onlookers keep tossing books on it. I know: simply writing about this probably guarantees an epic case of Covid within the next few weeks. And some of us still don masks once in a while. Last week I went in for a blood test at Quest Diagnostics, a venue usually jam-packed with sham...

W ho’s the most famous writer you’ve never read? I can think of a few offhand, but now I can cross one off the list: Annie Proulx. A good friend sent me a book of her short stories the other day: “Fine Just the Way it Is.”  I’m about halfway through it. I love that title. I like her style. Yeah, I know. Everyone plus dog has read and raved about Proulx’s Pulitzer-winning “The Shipping News.” That book is 30 years old now; you’d think I might have made time for it at some point. Nope. Mea culpa. But on the strength of the stories I’ve read so far, I did check it out at the library yesterday.  My only previous experience with Annie Proulx was the movie, “Brokeback Mountain.” I didn’t care for it. My wife would say I was put off by the whole gay-cowboy thing, but I think the transition to film may have taken some nuance and authenticity out of the original work. OK, maybe I wasn’t crazy about watching the cowboys (sheepboys?) go at it. I’m always a little squeamish about movie se...

G eorge Santos is a lying liar who speaks exclusively in lies, then lies about the lies. That much we know. So the “Saturday Night Live” sketch that lampooned his prolific prevarications was not as funny as it might have been.  For satire to be effective, it has to take the accepted reality of a situation and stretch it just past the point of absurdity. Kind of hard to do that when the starting point is already way beyond absurd. At this point, top researchers are working 24/7 to track down any Santos sentence that is not a lie. Personally, I have set a Google alert to notify me the second this man utters a verifiably true statement. I won’t accept something like, “I can’t stop lying.”  But I might consider “I am King of the Dildoes.”  I never did see a video of Santos being sworn in as a House member. You have to wonder how that went. Even the lesser liars in the GOP might not have been able to keep a straight face.  Here’s the oath, by the way: “I do solemnly swear...

T hese damned Nazis. They’re having a moment now in Florida. The other night, when the Jacksonville Jaguars were playing here for a wild-card spot, some cretins thought to project the image of a swastika – entangled with a cross – on a building within view of the stadium.  Yeah, the swastika and the cross. Of course. Who would Jesus kill? During other Jags games, we’ve seen banners in support of the Confederacy and endorsing the concept that America should collectively fuck Joe Biden. Excuse my German. But this is what we’re dealing with: Nihilist mouth-breathers, mostly. It’s not a movement fueled by intellect. They have not steeped themselves in the core tenets of national socialism. Or anything else. Because they don’t read. Unless you count 8Chan or certain dark corners of Elon Musk’s Twitter.   Which accounts at least partly for the appeal of “Hunters,” the Amazon Prime series about Jews hunting Nazi war criminals in late-’70s America. We finished the first season la...

I have not read "Spare." Why bother? All the interesting excerpts are already out there. I have read those, for free. Spoiler: Prince Harry once froze his todger. Spending $18 at this point won’t make Harry’s life any better. He’s already pretty well off:  $60 million in the bank and a lot more where that came from.  First with the Netflix series and now with the Spare cash rolling in. (Spare cash, get it?) I do not get why this is the fastest-selling non-fiction title in the history of the universe. When you weigh their joint contributions to humanity – or anything, really, beyond keeping tabloids afloat – the royals aren’t very remarkable. That would include Harry and Meghan. All nice enough in small doses, but surely all laden with the standard array of petty resentments and disagreeable bathroom habits. (Oh, and don’t call me Shirley.) I’ll make an exception for Queen Elizabeth, because of all that history on her side and because she’s dead. But the rest of them are just ...

O ne of these days I’m going to watch all 431 “Bonanza” episodes in order. I would like to tabulate, for my own edification, how many homicides the Cartwrights were involved in during the course of the series. I’m guessing quite a few.  The other night we were mindlessly scrolling for something to watch and happened upon a Season 2 episode called “Spitfire.” In it, Little Joe kills a girl’s father in self-defense. The next few scenes are played for laughs. The girl, you see, is feisty. The Cartwrights struggle to teach her about table manners and personal hygiene.  Then the girl’s relatives show up wanting revenge. There’s more gunplay. Another homicide. What a mixup! Little Joe never says, “Shit, I wish now I hadn’t killed your dad,” but you know he’s thinking it.  Intrigued, I picked another episode at random (“The Stranger”). Soon, Little Joe again kills a man in self-defense. He does it because the man is there to arrest Ben Cartwright, who himself killed a man in New...

I 've been messing around with ChatGPT, the AI chatbot that promises to take any writing project and remove the need for human involvement. As a blogger, I’m excited about this technology. Once I’m finally freed from this clacking keyboard, I’ll have lots more time to stare moodily into the middle distance. Or perhaps take a shower. Basically, you sign up with the website, enter a couple of ideas and let the ChatGPT do the rest. In the example below, I asked for about 400 words on film noir and one of my favorite movies, “ A Simple Plan .” Below is the result: “Film noir is a genre of crime film that emerged in the 1940s and 1950s, characterized by its gritty, dark, and morally ambiguous themes. The genre often features hard-boiled detectives, femme fatales, and criminal protagonists, and is known for its use of chiaroscuro lighting, voice-over narration, and a sense of cynicism and disillusionment. “A Simple Plan” is a masterful example of film noir, and Raimi does an excellent jo...

I probably need to lay off Dateline for awhile. It’s gotten to where I can identify the killer about 10 minutes into any episode.  When they get to the part about the “shocking new development” that “turns the case upside down” – let’s just say the development is not that shocking to Inspector Dave. This grisly murder ain’t my first rodeo, friends. No doubt I’d be the world’s foremost criminal investigator by now, had I bothered to pursue a career in, you know, criminal investigation.  We all have our guilty pleasures; true crime is one of mine. Dateline is at the top of the list, mostly because of the show’s sharp production values and Keith Morrison’s laughably-arch delivery. But there are dozens of similar shows and I’ve sampled most at one time or another. By now they’re all kind of running together.  They all start with a panicked 911 call and end with a poignant statement by a loved one. Nearly all motives involve some combination of sex, money or revenge. Nearly al...

I t was with great sadness that I read of the impending closure of the best restaurant in the world . Many’s the time I’d stop by after work for a couple of fruit-leather beetles and some grilled reindeer heart. That was some good eating.  But nothing stays the same in this world, does it? Chef René Redzepi (“Red Zep” to his friends) made it work for two decades, what with great word-of-mouth among the uber-wealthy and not paying the help. A man just gets tired, that’s all.  What’s the most you ever paid for a meal? Four of us once went to a chi-chi place in Louisville, and the check came to just under $800. I came out thinking, “OK, not doing that again.” The food was excellent, sure, but $200 a pop seemed a betrayal of my rural roots. I could imagine the dismay of my Mom, who would balk at the cost of pretty much anything on a Wendy’s menu. By contrast, the best restaurant meal I can remember was at a pizza place in Chicago, now defunct. The bill for three of us that night w...

W e watched “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” last night, thus ending my 57-year streak of not watching it. When someone else grabs the remote, you sometimes end up viewing stuff you might not choose alone. Here’s the IMDb synopsis: “A bitter, aging couple, with the help of alcohol, use their young houseguests to fuel anguish and emotional pain towards each other over the course of a distressing night.” Sounds fun! But it turns out that watching people lacerate each other for most of the film’s 2:11 running time is not the laff riot you might expect. These people have some serious issues. As George keeps pouring the booze with much too free a hand, it soon emerges that the younger couple has some anguish of their own. So, not exactly “When Harry Met Sally.” Not exactly my cup of tea. But I have to admit it’s an impressive piece of work. I probably should have seen it before now. Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor are at the height of their powers here. I’m not super familiar with the ...

H ere it is 13 years later and I'm thinking of coming back to Blogspot. Hey, why not? Few read this in any case, and Blogspot appears to still be free. With my Wordpress domain and hosting, I'm spending about $300 a year. That ain't hay, as the farmers used to say.  Anyway, this post is just to see if there are any new design or posting tools to make the changeover more attractive.